Beata found a great essay by Lauren Berlant that sums up very well what…
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"[...] people indulge in projections of what makes them uncomfortable about sex: its strangeness (I was just standing there talking, and now I’m doing this?), its messiness, its awkwardness, its apparent disconnect from so many other 'appropriate' drives (to eat, for example).Then there’s the fear of becoming a mere instrument of someone else’s pleasure, in a way that one doesn’t want.
Still, I’m just saying, I really like sex. We have no idea what sex would be like in a world that viewed it basically as a good. A strange good. A good that can sweep you off your feet and make you want to do strange things. A good that can reveal your inconsistency, your love of a little chaos, your love of a little control (turn the dial however you like). A good that can make you happy, for a minute, before the cat starts scratching the corner of the bed, or the phone rings, or the kids whine, or you’re hungry and sleepy, or you need another drink, or the taxi arrives.
In 'queer theory' [...] sex is often associated with shame. It is not only that people shame us because of our association with sex (“erotophobia” [fear of sex, tinged with hatred of sex] [...] Disgust at sexual appetites. The strangeness of sex, the ordinary lack of control over sexual acts and drives that we all experience (if we’re having sex). Actually, usually, sex isn’t a threat to much of anything. But it feels like a threat to something, which is why so many people stop having it.).
Sex itself is said, in various ways, to reveal our narcissism or regressive tendencies, as well as our aggression. It is not merely “pastoral,” an expression of goodness or communication between (or among!) hearts. It is not merely lovely and loving. It is a drive, and that is shameful. And exciting. It requires “sexual ethics” to be tamed.
At the same time, it’s also playful, if you can remember that; it’s also ridiculous and hilarious, if you can remember to notice that. It can also be very interesting and varied, if you want it to be—as many people do.
And who knows what else it could be if so many people didn’t fear and hate it so much that people with complex needs have to hide it and keep it secret from their loved ones, to whom they have promised to make more sense than anyone else can. Who knows what sex could be if people were encouraged to enjoy it as play rather than as a drama, a genuine test of recognition, or a tool of unwanted control over themselves and others.
[...] I feel sorry for sex. [...] [It] has come to be seen in public [...] as something bad that people do to one another. Sometimes—all too often—that’s exactly what it is. But a realistic view of sexuality, of what it could be, deserves better. It deserves comedy, too—not romance, and not, as is so often the case, more stories about tragedy and scandal."
from: "Against Sexual Scandal" by Lauren Berlant, March 12, 2008
