Dealing with the Unexpected: Reflections After a Workshop
Comfort
“Feeling good isn’t a special quality,” my Butoh dance teacherAnna Barth explained many years ago. One might have thought her cynical, but instead, my heart opened up. Like a wise temptation, the sentence expressed what one senses but searches for in vain when Instagram images routinely elevate comfort to a desirable standard. With this sentence, a space opened up that hospitably welcomed a variety of moods and feelings. The goal was no longer to lead a happy life, but a rich one. When dancing, this manifested itself in such a way that I shamelessly stopped worrying about maintaining a presentable facial expression when my task was simply to dance as if I were made of wax and slowly melting under the influence of intense heat. And afterward, I had to figure out for myself what to do with what this exercise had done to me. I couldn’t simply put it to practical use, but under no circumstances did I want to be without it.
I wrote that sentence in my notebook back then. Since then, it has come up again and again in conversations. Even yesterday.
excess
Yesterday was the second partof our orgy workshop—a concept that could inspire many more blog posts; for now, I’ll focus on the qualities my dance teacher asked about back then.
The second part takes place the day after the orgy and is dedicated to coming together again after something eventful, to shared reflection. For me,that’salwaysthemost exciting part. The highlight isn’t the orgy itself, but the conversations afterward. Through them, you experience what happened all over again, put your own views into perspective, feel reassured by a vague sense of connection—or simply enjoy, in retrospect, being able to participate through stories in the parts you didn’t even notice during the orgy because they were happening somewhere else in the room, full of glee… Last but not least, it’s naturally inspiring for the many possibilities of what one could do differently at future similar events.
Curiosity
During these sessions, suggestions are often made to fine-tune and tweak the workshop content—which serves as preparation before the orgy—in an effort to eliminate as much as possible of what was perceived as uncomfortable or challenging. For example: There is a break between the workshop and the orgy. This gives everyone another chance to eat, shower, and allows us to prepare the space. Of course, this also means there’s a break between the guided group exercises and the exciting “event.” Then you’re suddenly on your own and confronted with the mundane. Waiting in line for the bathroom. The shy, awkward smiles when you’re still waiting outside the workshop room, wrapped in your lunghi, before you’re allowed to enter together (perhaps a bit like that strange feeling when you’re riding in an elevator with others?). Nibbling on the vegetable sticks you brought along while making small talk. Where to put yourself? Where to put the expectations, feelings, fears? How to pass the time?
Another example: the many challenges the orgiastic event itself brings: am I allowed to touch this person? Who am I even touching in this crowd of people? Will they like it if I do this now—that’s how you do it, right?
The next day during the discussion, some people share what they found particularly enjoyable and what was also difficult—for example, when being touched on certain parts of the body wasn’t perceived as all that exciting—but the other person couldn’t have known that! Or that there was no clear feedback from the other person regarding the touch, whether it was desired or not. So some participants suggest that before the orgy, everyone could go around the circle and say what their personal “no-go zones” are and what they’d like to experience.
And regarding the first issue with the break, it’s suggested not to take a break at all and to let workshop content—such as that based onContact Improvisation—flow seamlessly into the orgy, so that the whole thing flows more naturally and the break, with itssocial awkwardness, isavoided.
Yes. Of course, that’s possible. It would make sense in its own way and is a good idea. But: we have consciously decided not to structure the Orgie format that way. Why?
Convenience
I was absolutely thrilled to hear words like“weird,” “quirky” (← which also means“queer”!), and “irritating” come up in the final discussion. Because yes, that’s exactly what it is. As my dance teacher said, my goal as an instructor isn’t to guide you through an enchanting, breezy experience that’s a piece of cake. Sure, that would be nice, and chances are good that you’ll have a flow experience, but the actual goal—the juicy core, where things get exciting, where something happens, where there’s a learning experience that’s bigger and more important than just a nice experience—which might then turn out to be nothing more than wellness—we’d be deliberately sidestepping that. When we set out precisely for that; we wanted to experience something, after all. And of course, there are gray areas here too, and it would be a complete misunderstanding to think this is about constantly overwhelming or traumatic experiences. Of course, I’m not suggesting that questions of consent should be taken lightly; rather, I’m talking first and foremost about very simple moments: about the fact that you simply have to endure it, that it feels strange to brush your teeth in a room with other people just before you fall into an ecstatic frenzy with them. These situations are part of it. And what I love about them is that they teach something that can’t be taught. That they contain a sensation which, as a workshop leader, I no longer curate or guide didactically, because here—as silly, romanticized, and strange as it always sounds—life itself does its thing.
Regarding the guided discussion circle on wishes and no-nos: Of course, we do this in our other courses as well, and it holds its own potential and creates beautiful spaces. But even such a workshop module has its limits and difficulties. That’s why we’d like to try something different here. In a way, the prior discussion of wishes and boundaries serves to reduce complexity. It assumes that when two (or more!) people meet, it’s difficult to know what you can and want to do with each other. And that is indeed difficult. In my experience, however, I have often regretted saying that my belly button is very sensitive, only to find that during the encounter my belly button became all the more prominent—because that is now what my play partners associate with me, and I notice how they go out of their way to avoid getting too close to my belly button—because, after all, you just don’t want to do anything wrong! But now I’m somehow reduced to that, and paradoxically, what’s absent becomes all the more present.
And then there’s the problem that many taboos aren’t absolute for me, but relative. I could say in a group like this that I like having my hair pulled. The only problem is that it always feels different. And then Person X, who wants to do something nice for me, pulls my hair, and unfortunately, it just doesn’t feel that good with this person. But I did say I like that! Of course, there can be many reasons why it doesn’t feel good—one reason arises from these kinds of suggestion rounds: that I notice the other person is more like offering a service, wanting to do something nice for me, without taking seriously what THEY find exciting and want to do right now. And then everyone just ends up fulfilling wishes in a slightly detached way…
And on the flip side, I might kick myself because I claimed I didn’t want to be slapped, yet with Person Y, the urge and desire are just coming up that they would do it… right here and now, the window opens where I actually find exactly that exciting! But how do I explain that now? Can we go through another round like this?
Uniqueness
Time and again, I come across approaches that are interpreted asempoweringand sex-positive because they focus on being able to clearly articulate one’s own desires, needs, and pleasures. And I’m all for that! YES! But here’s the thing: we aren’t robots who can simplycheck off a multiple-choice list ofwhat we like and don’t like, and that’s the end of it. Because that doesn’t take seriously what a highly unique, magical situation it is when two people (or even more!—or just one person alone—that’s complex enough…) come together. And that you yourself can always be someone else, that you can surprise yourself. That you thoughtdirty talkwas totally out of the question, but with that voice the other person has, suddenly it works! And it’s amazing! Wow! I never would have expected that from myself!
Courage
And in an orgy like that, you have to negotiate that over and over again. The “wish list” would have lulled you into a sense of security that also has its shady sides. And the fluid transition from a guided group exercise into the orgiastic revelry is also different from when, coming out of the break—out of that initial gathering-of-oneself, settling-in phase—you have to muster all your courage to consciously decide:nowI’m rolling onto the mat playground. What really interests me—here and now? What do I encounter? What presents itself? Do I follow my first impulses and automatic responses, or does something else emerge—something I hadn’t anticipated before? What can I try? And so, gently, with respect for the undefined, moving toward the others, we creatively negotiate what we will now experience together. And there is certainly so much more possible—things previously unimagined and indescribable—than could ever be expressed in any checklist or wish list, or than we as workshop facilitators could introduce.
The wonderful thing is: we’ve often had the chance to experience in this course just what sparks fly when people interact in this way, and what wonderfully crazy or touchingly beautiful interactions emerge from it!
