Enduring the weird. Reflections after a workshop
Comfort
"Feeling good is not a special quality" - explained my Butoh dance teacher Anna Barth many years ago. You could have thought she was being cynical, but instead my heart sank. Like a wise temptation, the sentence expressed what one suspects but seeks in vain when the standard of Instagram images naturally elevates comfort to a desirable standard. This sentence opened up a space that hospitably granted access to a variety of moods and feelings. The aim was no longer to lead a happy life, but a rich one. When dancing, this manifested itself in such a way that I shamelessly stopped thinking about maintaining a respectable facial expression when my task was to dance as if I were made of wax and slowly melting under the influence of great heat. And then I had to see for myself what to do with what this exercise had done to me. I couldn't simply use it functionally, but I certainly didn't want to miss it.
I wrote this sentence in my notebook at the time. Since then, it has come up again and again in conversations. Even yesterday.
Excessiveness
Yesterday was the second part of our orgy workshop - a concept that could be the subject of many more blog posts; I'll start with the qualities my dance teacher asked about back then.
The second part is the day after the orgy and is dedicated to coming together again after something eventful, to reflecting together. For me, this is always the most exciting part. It's not the orgy that's the highlight, but the conversations afterwards. They allow you to relive what happened, to put your own views into perspective, to feel reassured about a vague feeling - or simply to enjoy being able to share what you didn't even notice during the orgy through stories afterwards because it took place somewhere in the other corner of the room... Last but not least, it is of course inspiring for the many possibilities of what you could do differently at similar events in the future.
Oddity
In these rounds, suggestions are often made that aim to eliminate as much as possible of what was perceived as uncomfortable or challenging by polishing and tweaking the workshop content that serves as preparation before the orgy. For example: there is a break between the workshop and the orgy. This gives everyone another opportunity to eat something, take a shower and prepare the room. Of course, this also means that there is a break between the guided group exercises and the exciting 'event'. Then you are suddenly on your own and confronted with the trivial. Waiting in line at the toilet. The intimidated smiles when you have to wait outside the workshop room wrapped in your lunghi before you are allowed to enter together (perhaps a bit like the strange feeling when you ride in an elevator with others?). Nibbling on the vegetable sticks you brought with you and somehow making small talk. Where to go with yourself? What to do with your expectations, feelings and fears? How to bridge the time?
Another example: the many challenges that the orgiastic event itself brings with it: am I allowed to touch this person? Who am I actually touching in the mass of people? Do they like it when I do it this way and that way - that's how you do it, right?
The next day in the discussion group, some people report what they experienced as particularly beautiful and what was also difficult, for example when it is not perceived as so exciting to be touched on certain parts of the body - but the other person couldn't know that! Or that there was no clear feedback from the other person as to whether touching was desirable or not. So some participants suggest that a round could be held before the orgy in which everyone says what taboo zones they have and what they would like to see on the other side.
And for the first problem with the break, it is suggested that there should be no break and that workshop content, such as that based on contact improvisation, should flow smoothly into the orgy so that the whole thing is more in flow and the break with its social awkwardnessis avoided.
Yes, of course you can do that. That would also make sense and is a good idea. But: we made a conscious decision not to design the orgy format in this way. Why?
Convenience
I was really pleased to hear words like "weird", "quirky" (← also means "queer"!) and "irritating" in the final round. Because yes, that's exactly what it is. As my dance teacher said, as a teacher, it's not my goal to guide you through an enchanting, easy-peasy experience. Sure, that would be nice and the chances are good that you will have a flow experience, but the actual goal, the juicy core, where it gets exciting, where something happens, where there is a learning experience that is bigger and more important than a nice experience - which is then perhaps nothing more than wellness - we would then decidedly bypass that. After all, that's exactly where we set off; we wanted to experience something. And of course there are grey areas here too and it would be completely misunderstood if we were talking about permanently overwhelming or traumatizing experiences. Of course, I'm not talking about taking questions about consensus lightly, but rather about very simple moments: the fact that you simply have to endure it, that it's strange to brush your teeth in a room with other people just before you fall into an ecstatic frenzy with them. These situations are part of it. And what I love about them is that they teach something that cannot be taught. That they contain a sensation that I, as a workshop leader, no longer curate and didactically guide, because here, as stupidly romanticized and funny as it may sound, life itself does something.
In the case of the guided discussion group on wishes and no-no's. We do that in our other courses: We do this in our other courses too, of course, and it holds its own potential and creates beautiful spaces. But a workshop module like this also has its limits and difficulties. That's why we want to try something different here. In a way, the previous discussion of wishes and limits is a way of reducing complexity. It assumes that when two (or more!) people meet, it is difficult to know what they can and want to do together. And that is also difficult. In my experience, however, I have often regretted saying that my belly button was very sensitive and then my belly button became all the more present in the encounter because that's what my play partners now associate with me and I notice how they avoid getting too close to my belly button - because you just don't want to do anything wrong! But now I'm somehow reduced to it and the absent paradoxically becomes all the more present.
And then there's the problem that many taboos aren't absolute for me, but relative. I could say in a group like that that I like being pulled by the hair. The only problem is that it always feels different. And then person X, who wants to do something good for me, pulls my hair and unfortunately it doesn't feel so good with this person. And yet I said that I like it! Of course, there can be many reasons why it doesn't feel good - one reason is that I realize that the other person is offering a service and wants to do something good for me without taking seriously what THEY find exciting and want to do. And then everyone just does slightly alienated wish fulfillment...
And the other way around, I might bite myself in the ass because I've claimed that I don't want to be slapped, but with person Y, the desire and wish arises that they would do it... right now and here the window opens where I find exactly that exciting! But how do I explain this now? Can we do another round like this?
Uniqueness
Time and again, I find approaches that are interpreted as empowering and sex-positive because they are about being able to clearly name your own wishes, needs and desires. And I'm all for that! YES! But we're not robots who can tick off what they like and don't like in a multiple-choice manner and that's that. Because that doesn't take seriously what a highly unique, magical situation it is when two people (or even more! - or just you alone - that's complex enough...) meet. And that you can always be someone else yourself, that you can surprise yourself. That you thought you couldn't talk dirty at all, but with this voice that the other person has, it suddenly works! And it's great! Wow! I would never have expected that from myself!
Courage
And you have to negotiate that again and again during such an orgy. The wishful round would have lulled you into a sense of security that also has its suspicious sides. And the fluid transition from a guided group exercise into the orgiastic party is also different to when you have to summon up all your courage from the break, from the first time you gather yourself, to make a conscious decision: now I'm going to roll out onto the mat playground. What am I really interested in - here and now? What do I encounter? What presents itself? Do I follow my first impulses and automatisms or does something else arise - something I didn't realize before? What can I try? And so cautiously, with respect for what is not certain, moving towards the others, we inventively negotiate what we now experience together. And there is certainly so much more and so far unimagined and indescribable things possible than could ever be expressed in any checklist or wish list or what we as workshop leaders could moderate.
The wonderful thing is: we have often experienced in this course what sparks fly when people meet in this mode and what wonderfully crazy or touchingly beautiful games develop from it!
