Dealing with the Unconventional: Reflections After a Workshop
Cozy Atmosphere
“Feeling good isn’t a special quality,” my Butoh dance teacherAnna Barth explained many years ago. One might have thought her cynical, but instead, my heart opened up. Like a wise enticement, the sentence expressed what one senses but searches for in vain when the norm of Instagram photos elevates well-being to a desirable standard as a matter of course. That sentence opened up a space that warmly welcomed a variety of moods and feelings. The goal was no longer to lead a happy life, but a rich one. When dancing, this manifested itself in such a way that I shamelessly stopped worrying about maintaining a presentable facial expression when my task at that moment was simply to dance as if I were made of wax and slowly melting under intense heat. And afterward, I had to figure out for myself what to do with the effect this exercise had on me. I couldn’t simply put it to practical use, but under no circumstances did I want to do without it. “
” I wrote that sentence down in my notebook back then. Since then, it has come up time and again in conversations. Even yesterday.
Excess
Yesterday was the second partof our orgy workshop—a concept that could inspire many more blog posts; for now, I’ll focus on the qualities my dance teacher asked about back then.
The second part takes place the day after the orgy and is dedicated to coming back together after something eventful—to shared reflection. For me,that’salwaysthemost exciting part. The orgy isn’t the highlight—it’s the conversations afterward. Through them, you relive what happened anew, put your own views into perspective, feel reassured by a vague sense of connection—or simply take pleasure in being able to share, in hindsight through stories, in the parts you didn’t even notice during the orgy because they were happening somewhere else in the room, full of glee… Last but not least, it’s naturally inspiring to consider the many possibilities for what you could do differently at similar events in the future.
Curiosity
During these sessions, suggestions are often made to fine-tune and tweak the workshop content—which serves as preparation before the orgy—in order to eliminate as much as possible of what was perceived as uncomfortable or challenging. For example: There’s a break between the workshop and the orgy. This gives everyone another chance to eat, shower, and gives us the chance to prepare the room. Of course, this also means there’s a break between the guided group exercises and the exciting “event.” Then you’re suddenly on your own and confronted with the mundane. Waiting in line for the bathroom. The shy, awkward smiles when you’re still waiting outside the workshop room, wrapped in your lunghi, before you’re allowed to enter together (perhaps a bit like that strange feeling when you’re riding in an elevator with others?). Nibbling on the vegetable sticks you brought along while making small talk. Where do you put yourself? Where do you put your expectations, feelings, fears? How do you pass the time?
Another example: the many challenges that the orgiastic event itself brings: Am I allowed to touch this person? Who am I even touching in this crowd of people? Will they like it if I do this or that—that’s how you’re supposed to do it, right?
The next day, during the discussion group, some people share what they found particularly enjoyable and what was also difficult—for example, when being touched in certain areas of the body wasn’t perceived as all that exciting—but the other person couldn’t have known that! Or that there was no clear feedback from the other person regarding whether the touching was desired or not. So some participants suggest that before the orgy, everyone could go around the circle and state their personal “no-go zones,” as well as what they’d like to experience.
And regarding the first issue with the break, it’s suggested not to take a break at all and to let workshop content—such as those based onContact Improvisation—flow seamlessly into the orgy, so that the whole experience flows more naturally and the break, with itssocial awkwardness, isavoided.
Yes. Of course, that’s an option. It would make sense in its own right and is a good idea. But: we made a conscious decision not to structure the “orgie” format that way. Why?
Convenience
I was absolutely thrilled that words like“weird,” “strange” (← which also means“queer”!), and “irritating” came up in the final discussion. Because yes, that’s exactly what it is. As my dance instructor said, my goal as a course instructor isn’t to guide you through an enchanting, easygoing experience. Sure, that would be nice, and chances are good that you’ll have a flow experience, but the real goal—the juicy core, where things get exciting, where something happens, where there’s a learning experience that’s bigger and more important than just a pleasant experience (which might end up being nothing more than a wellness session)—we’d be deliberately sidestepping that. After all, that’s exactly where we set out to go; we wanted to have an experience. And of course, there are gray areas here as well, and it would be a complete misunderstanding to think this is about constantly overwhelming or traumatizing experiences. Of course, my point isn’t that questions surrounding consensus should be taken lightly, but rather, for now, just about very simple moments: about the fact that you simply have to endure it—that it’s strange to brush your teeth in a room with other people just before you fall into an ecstatic frenzy with them. These situations are part of the experience. And what I love about them is that they teach something that can’t be taught. That they contain a sensation which, as a workshop facilitator, I no longer curate or guide didactically—because here, as silly, romanticized, and strange as it may sound, life itself does its thing.
Regarding the guided discussion circle on wishes and no-nos: Of course, we do that in our other courses as well, and it holds its own potential and creates beautiful spaces. But even a workshop module like that has its limits and difficulties. That’s why we’d like to try something different here. In a sense, the prior discussion of desires and boundaries serves to reduce complexity. It assumes that when two (or more!) people meet, it’s difficult to know what you can and want to do with one another. And that is indeed difficult. In my experience, however, I’ve often regretted saying that my belly button is very sensitive, only to find that during the encounter my belly button became all the more prominent—because that’s what my play partners now associate with me, and I notice how they go out of their way to avoid getting too close to my belly button—after all, you just don’t want to do anything wrong! But now I’m somehow reduced to that, and paradoxically, what’s absent becomes all the more present.
And then there’s the problem that for me, many taboos aren’t absolute but relative. I might say in a group setting like that I like having my hair pulled. The only problem is that it always feels different. And then Person X, who wants to do something nice for me, pulls my hair, and unfortunately, with that person, it just doesn’t feel so good. But I did say I like that! Of course, there can be many reasons why it doesn’t feel good—one reason arises from these kinds of suggestion rounds: I realize that the other person is mostly just offering a service, trying to do something nice for me, without taking seriously what THEY find exciting and want to do right now. And then everyone just ends up fulfilling wishes in a slightly detached way…
And on the flip side, I might kick myself for saying I don’t want to be slapped, when right now with Person Y, the urge and desire are actually arising for them to do just that… right here and now, a window opens where I actually find exactly that exciting! But how do I explain that now? Can we go through another round like that?
Uniqueness
Time and again, I come across approaches that are interpreted asempoweringand sex-positive because they’re about being able to clearly articulate one’s own desires, needs, and pleasures. And I’m all for that! YES! But here’s the thing: we’re not robots who can simplycheck offina multiple-choice stylewhat we like and what we don’t, and leave it at that. Because that doesn’t take seriously just how uniquely magical the moment is when two people (or even more!—or even just one person—which is complex enough on its own…) come together. And the fact that you yourself can always be someone else, that you can surprise yourself. That you thoughtdirty talkwas totally out of the question, but with that voice the other person has, suddenly it works! And it’s amazing! Wow! I never would have expected that from myself!
Courage
And with an orgy like that, you have to negotiate that over and over again. The “wish list” would have lulled you into a sense of security that also has its suspicious sides. And the smooth transition from a guided group exercise into the orgiastic revelry is also different from when, after a break—after first gathering yourself and settling in—you have to muster all your courage to consciously decide:nowI’m going to throw myself onto the mat playground. What really matters to me—here and now? What am I encountering? What presents itself? Do I follow my first impulses and automatic responses, or does something else—something I hadn’t anticipated—emerge instead? What can I try? And so, gently—with respect for what isn’t yet firmly defined—as we move toward one another, we creatively negotiate what we’ll experience together. And there is certainly so much more possible—things as yet unimagined and indescribable—than could ever be expressed in any check-off list or round of wishes, or than we as workshop facilitators could ever introduce.
The wonderful thing is: we've often experienced in this course the sparks that fly when people interact in this way—and the wonderfully crazy or touchingly beautiful interactions that result!
