A mixed bag, please! Definitional difficulties
Difficulty understanding. When friends are hanging out and talking about their wildest romantic escapades, and then someone casually adds, “…and then we had sex, too.” Yikes! And what were all the other things you two got up to?
Penetration
It’s actually a classic question: where does sexuality begin and where does it end? Generally speaking, the term refers exclusively to the act of penetration. This is particularly surprising when the people involved in the conversation are individuals who otherwise celebrate sexuality in all its diversity and engage in various experiments, techniques, games, and desires that lie beyond the confines of the heteronormative framework. Of course, the equation “sex = penetration” comes with a host of ambiguities. It raises questions about fidelity, jealousy, and boundary violations. It excludes certain practices within the LGBTQIA+ communities. It imbues the moment of “penis in vagina”—or, to put itin a non-binary way: “dildo in hole”—withimmensesignificanceand normalizes this practice, which is actually unimaginative and seemingly naturalistic, linking sexuality to the function of reproduction.
What defines sex? Is there such a thing as “sex-sex” and “non-sex-sex,” or “real sex” and “fake sex”? How does the distinction between “foreplay” and “sex” even make sense if we don’t have a teleological concept of sex? And what forms of depiction and representation of sex do we then agree upon? Where do the many variations appear that could also be considered part of the realm of “sex” without involving genital sex? And what are the markers that, through their staging, then define a genre (e.g., pornography)?
Presentation
These difficulties are particularly evident in mainstream films. Of course, we’re all familiar with those frustrating, banal—or even ingenious—sublimations, such as when the scene suddenly cuts to a train traveling through a tunnel, or when the camera pans to the curtains just as things are getting exciting (a phenomenon that Daniel Bickermanndescribedin hisplea for more sex on screen:“I was sitting in the theater watching *PrettyWoman*, and after a blowjob in front of the TV and a bit of romantic piano strumming in the hotel lobby, Richard Gere was finally about to seduce Julia Roberts in their shared room—when suddenly a wooden decorative grille slid into the frame. You can surely imagine my horror at this amateurish camera blunder: Hadn’t anyone noticed that nothing could be seen for a full thirty seconds? […] After all, there are a thousand good reasons to show sex scenes. Let’s stick with *PrettyWoman* for a moment: In it, a corporate speculator bored with life picks up a streetwalker. Surely no one is going to tell me that it isn’t important what he does with her, how it plays out, who enjoys it, and who takes the initiative? Good sex scenes often reveal more about the characters than their most dramatic dialogues.”)
Variation
Every now and then, one is surprised by unconventional depictions of sex that thoughtfully and compassionately capture what would otherwise fall through the cracks of a narrow, penetrative understanding of sex. A paradigmatic scene can be found in the American comedy series *Broad City*, in which we get to witness two young women, Ilana and Abbi, as they navigate the bizarre, silly, unsettling, and charming everyday life of New York City. In the episode“B&B-NYC,”Ilana picks up NBA basketball player Blake Griffin with the goal of spending a steamy night with him, but this encounter brings its own challenges and ultimately leads to making amind-blowingvirtue out of necessity. Due to Griffin’s oversized penis, the two are unable to engage in penetrative sex. Luckily, it’s precisely this impossibility that sparks a resourceful search for new ways of intimacy, treating us viewers to a wonderfully eclectic mix of sex scenes. Ina rapid succession of cuts, we see all the other ways sex can be: the basketball player sits naked (both are actually naked throughout all the scenes) on the bed with his arms outstretched, and Ilana licks persistently from one armspan to the other, while his face wears an expression of lust in a pornographic manner; Ilana enjoys the feeling of flying during a joint acro-yoga exercise; Blake Griffin carries Ilana—who is bundled up in a sheet and crying hysterically—soothingly across the room, as if he were comforting an infant; both sit in armchairs with their legs elegantly crossed, sipping tea in a very “British” manner; Sitting across from each other on the floor, they play the classic schoolyard game of “finger tapping”—Griffin cheers, the flustered Ilana suffers, and he turns to her comfortingly; both stretch while holding each other’s arms and breathing deeply in a meditative manner; she rides on his back as if on a horse, whereupon he, in particular, exclaims “so close!”, to which Ilana excitedly agrees that she, too, is on the verge of orgasm. Afterward, they sit in bed munching on pizza, each wearing the other’s shoes—an even more romantic version of the invitation “call me by your name!” :–)
And here’s another wonderful article by a medieval historian who traces the roots of how penis-in-vagina sex came to be regarded as the “correct” form of sex:http://www.bishuk.com/sex/history-penis-vagina-default-sex/
And here's another list of candies that are delicious even when eaten straight out of the wrapper:https://www.bishuk.com/sex/amazing-sex-without-having-sex/
