Clauses. A Self-Reflection
– The final disclaimer is in English—scroll down –
The list of items we’d like to include as terms and conditions in our workshop descriptions keeps growing longer and longer with each workshop we hold.
Hospitality and Diversity
For example, it used to feel like it was enough to simply write that “people of all genders and sexual orientations are welcome.” It’s now clear, however, that just mentioning this isn’t enough, of course. Because a diverse group brings its own complexities, and while everyone is, of course, welcome, how do we address the specific challenges that arise? Do workshop leaders manage to talk about vulvas in a way that allows people without an anatomical vulva—but with an energetic one—to receive their vulva massage as well? Who can do that? How? And how do group leaders navigate this situation—especially when a group is cool with it—if, for example, structurally marginalized people (e.g., people whose bodies fall on the spectrum of race, gender, age, and disability and thus face conditions different from those dictated by socially conventional norms) are present—without stepping into triggering pitfalls? There doesn’t have to be any malicious intent behind it; sometimes it’s actually the good intentions that are particularly hurtful. Most of the time, it’s a matter of habit. Even if it’s just because someone suddenly laughs amusedly when a cis man puts on a little dress. And just like that, there’s a sense of hurt in the room for others. How do you address that? Is it our responsibility to address it? How far must and can intervention and therapeutic work go? How much would we need to charge for a workshop to fulfill this task without falling back into the trap of unpaidemotional labor?
These considerations are necessary so that “welcoming” doesn’t simply turn out to be “tolerating” or “putting up with,” because those being welcomed have to figure out for themselves where they fit in, even if they aren’t proactively excluded. To go beyond merely claiming hospitality, we need practices of proactive welcoming—adapting the guest space to “all genders and sexual orientations” without continuing to implicitly assume heteronormative rules. It’s pointless to “welcome” vegan friends over for a meal and then cook with cream.
Risks and Side Effects
How much of a warning can and should be given up front without scaring off potential participants? The courses get right to the heart of the matter, so participants need to be honestly prepared for the fact that it can bring up some really hard stuff—which feels absolutely awful. How do you ensure that participants don’t go into the workshop already with a lump in their throat and a heavy feeling in their stomach—and that this doesn’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or do the warnings cast a gray veil over what the courses naturally stand for and what they can make possible: the lightness, the moments of liberation, the triumphs, the sheer joy, the valuable insights, la dolce vita… How can we ensure that these precautions don’t just come across as annoying or patronizing, or that they aren’t geared solely toward the most potentially vulnerable participants, forcing everyone who wants to go faster, further, or more intensely to proceed with the handbrake on? How long does the workshop need to be to allow enough time (and energy)—besides icebreakers, consensus-building exercises, and feedback sessions—to focus on the very reason we’ve come together in the first place? How can we ensure that warning about potential dangers doesn’t become overwhelming, when all that talking and listening is already exhausting and draining enough for many people during workshops?
At the same time, it’s not always just about risk prevention. Sometimes it’s precisely the crappy experiences that we take home with us as particularly valuable lessons. Unpleasant situations can be seen as an opportunity to kick-start a kind of “development engine” that facilitates essential learning experiences and radically honest insights. As an opportunity—through “staying with the trouble” and constructively dealing with crises—to expand one’s repertoire of coping strategies and philosophical horizons, to get to know oneself and others, to strengthen one’s own “immune system” with its psychological resilience, and to grow as a group as well.
At the same time, this call to “become stronger” can also be exhausting and may be politically questionable. Sara Ahmed aptly describes how resilience can also be used as a conservative technique that pressures others to endure more (and even take pride in it) instead of saying, “Nope, enough is enough!” Do workshops manage this balancing act—not confusing strength with numbness and also making space for that “Nope!”? Where we try together to stop feeling we have to take on more and “learn” more, but instead say: You’re allowed to experience yourself right now in this “Enough!” and instead of becoming well-behaved, resilient, and domesticated, you’re allowed to bark and snap wildly.
“To be snappy is to be ‘apt to speak sharply or irritably.’ That certainly sounds like a feminist aptitude. Feminism: it has bite; she bites. […] This does not mean or make snappiness right or a right in itself. But perhaps snappiness might be required to right a wrong when a wrong demands that we bear it—that we take it, or that we take more of it.
Snap: when she can’t take it anymore; when she just can’t take it anymore. Speaking sharply, speaking with irritation. Maybe we can hear her irritation; a voice that rises, a voice that sharpens. A voice can lose its smoothness; becoming rougher, more brittle. When her irritation speaks volumes, we might be distracted from what is irritating. Can we even distract ourselves? Irritation is an intimacy of body and world.”(Sara Ahmed:Living A Feminist Life, 2017)
Who with whom?
In our courses, we not only mention that everyone is welcome (unless the courses are explicitly exclusive, such as the“orgie des femmes*”), but also that we do not wish to artificially arrange any particular gender ratio. I’ve found this to be quite problematic in quite a few tantra courses, where it was assumed that partner exercises would naturally follow the “Noah’s Ark” principle—men working with women—and when there was a surplus of registered men, women were sought out specifically or brought in as assistants. It was also clear that registered women were not simply allowed to work with another woman, but were, in fact, already factored in to pair with the men. I have yet to experience a situation where female assistants were hired specifically for the registered women, just in case a woman wanted to practice with another woman.
Our policy is that participants should be generally open to doing exercises with different people, without their specific gender being a deciding factor. No one is forced to work with someone if it doesn’t feel right. However, we would assess that in each situation and look for solutions, rather than assuming arbitrary categories as exclusion criteria in advance.
That also means: If it happens that, for a course advertised as mixed-gender, only men happen to sign up, then we’d simply hold the course with just men and perhaps send an email beforehand to prepare them for that, but then that’s simply the specific learning experience that fate has set before us as a challenge. It’s never a coincidence who signs up; rather, just like a tarot reading, the fact that people have been brought together—as if by some archaic intelligence—already says something about the course. Why would we want to artificially control and manipulate that?
The Group, the Individual, and the Lovebirds
Here’s another clause we’ve added after a course: Feel free to come as a couple, but we’ll address you as individuals, not as a couple, trio, or polyfamily. Sometimes, in a circle, participants are invited to introduce themselves and share their own wishes, expectations, and important notes. And couples* suddenly start referring to themselves as a single entity, saying “we” instead of “I.” This is tricky, because it can potentially hinder free expression or even lead to manipulation, as people may phrase things to meet their partner’s expectations. We prefer, then, that everyone first speak for themselves and also work through the fact that one person’s wishes and needs may differ from what one expects of oneself as a couple or group in a romantic relationship. This, too, needs to be worked through, rather than censored in advance. It is precisely here that there lies another opportunity to experience one’ssignificant otherfrom a completely new perspective and to bring a vibrant quality to the relationship.
Sit down, be humble (bitch)
What’s more, each course creates a kind of “bubble” where things get unusual and intense. Hormones can really run wild there, a special chemistry—or even a soul connection—can be felt between practice partners, or one’s own inner processes may be interpreted as breakthroughs—as if the flogging or yoni homage had finally cured depression—or the group may fall into a frenzy in which its own practices are hailed as highly politically relevant and world-peace-promoting. Some of this is certainly true, but we invite you not to overinterpret it all just yet; to come back down to earth after the class and then take stock of what remains from the workshop and what you’d like to continue. Even the insights closest to nirvana fizzle out when the daily grind sets in again, and it takes persistence to keep at it. And the workshop partner you felt so smitten with might seem completely different again by Monday. Which doesn’t make them—or the exercise—any less magical.
Magic Formula and FAQ
Now that everything has been incorporated into a formula, we're currently working on this overly long clause:
Is this for me?
Beginners and newcomers, as well as experienced players with all their different needs and abilities, are welcome. To help us prepare for the workshop, please let us know your experience level when you register.
Gender identity and sexual orientation are not factors in the registration process or the selection of participants. People of all races, sizes, ages 18 and older, genders, and sexual orientations are welcome, as are people with disabilities—as long as our resources can meet your needs. Contact us if you have any questions.
Who do I work with?
Our courses are designed to facilitate group learning and support the participants’ personal experiences and growth. We take a process-oriented, rather than goal-oriented, approach. Thus, we a) do not see ourselves as unquestionable “gurus,” b) view our work as open to improvisation and surprising outcomes, rather than adhering to a set formula with specific steps leading to a single goal or “truth,” and c) treat each participant as an individual. All types of partnerships are welcome, but you should be aware of and open to the fact that the courses are not specifically designed as a couples’ or polyamory group experience. For example: to include all participants equally, we usually work with random combinations of partners in the exercises. This also means that both same-gender and mixed-gender combinations are likely to occur. Since we embrace diversity and intersectional liberation, participants should generally be open to working with anyone and any body. Exceptions can still be discussed on a case-by-case basis, and no one will be forced to do anything they don’t want to—quite the contrary.
Is this safe?
You probably came to us not primarily for safety, but because you want to experience something important, interesting, exciting, and enriching. Therefore, we do not view safety as a virtue that is an end in itself. Risk management is a means to an end that supports those important experiences of collective flourishing, eliminating anything that does not serve this process.
Otherwise, you might be safe but have an insignificant experience—and what’s the point of that?
Creating a safe(r)/risk-aware space should never be confused with feeling “good” and harmonious all the time. Participants should be aware that, due to their experimental, potentially transgressive, and eye-opening/revelatory/magnifying-glass nature, kinky and sexual activities carry an inherent risk of physical and/or emotional injury. While providing a supportive, safer/risk-aware, and confidential space (with, for example, tools and supplies, guidance and intention, exercises and space-holding, warm-ups and aftercare, open dialogue, and opportunities to follow one’s own rhythm, adapt suggestions, take breaks, ask even supposedly “stupid” questions, share, reflect, and incorporate experiences—all while being aware that some deep processes can occur silently, not theatrically loud), it is still quite likely that you’ll feel uncomfortable or confused at some point—but going through those processes together can be a blessing, an opportunity for learning, growth, and cultivating resilience. Or, if you don’t feel like “turning trauma into resources,” we’ll try to hold space for you to snap. Because that, too, can be the start of something.
We encourage you to adapt situations in a way that works for you and to figure out what you need to feel supported, to minimize potential triggers, and to let us and the group know about it. We give you permission to be yourself and connect, while requiring you to take personal responsibility, to respect others and their (non-)consent, and to honor your own needs and boundaries at all times. Taking care of yourself also includes staying informed about how to prevent STIs and getting tested regularly.
The responsibilities we assign to you mean that we—as facilitators, the people with “more power”—must consider our own responsibility to counteract any potential pressure on consent. We work to defuse the potential consequences of a “no,” so that your “yes” can be more freely given. This means, for example, that there will be no consequences if you don’t want to participate in an exercise—no shaming, no pushing, and no presumptuous comments.
We ask you to stay sober during our events so you can fully enjoy the intoxicating effects of your own hormones, induced by bodywork and relational interactions.
Last but not least: For us, a “safe space” must also mean a “mistake-friendly space.” Mistakes will happen. Those who dare to venture down untrodden paths and do things that require them to push past their limits run a higher risk of making mistakes—and we actually encourage you to do exactly that. Don’t be afraid of being patronized, punished, or excluded because of a mistake or because you hold different opinions. The question is rather how you deal with them. We’re in this together and will work through tensions. In fact, some of the most moving and liberating (and safe) experiences have come from this, because we don’t gather and do this work just to once again play the part of good girls and boys who do everything correctly, but to spare ourselves this stress and finally be courageous and fail together. The possibility of failing spectacularly serves as the foundation for honest encounters and allows those things to emerge that are important and alive—and therefore so sexual—in the here and now within this unique group.
What else should I know?
Due to the intense and unconventional nature of our spaces, it’s possible to experience a “slump” a few days after attending an event, even if you left feeling wonderful and glorious. If possible, set aside some quality time for yourself after a workshop to process your experiences, and always feel free to stay in touch!
Our experience also shows that workshops have a lasting effect, but everything depends on what you make of it and on continuing to practice. Enjoy the sense of euphoria a workshop can bring, but we recommend staying humble and being careful not to overinterpret things through rose-colored glasses. The results may be more meaningful and powerful in their subtlety.
In the unlikely event of a problematic situation that exceeds our ability to provide support, we will still provide you with helpful contacts and information. Reach out.
We reserve the right to ask participants to leave if their behavior is extremely problematic and harmful to others. Any form of hate speech will not be tolerated. But “candy speech” is allowed.
