Clauses. A self-reflection
- the final disclamer is in english - scroll down -
The list of what we want to put as clauses under our workshop descriptions grows and grows from one workshop experience to the next.
Hospitality and heterogeneity
For example, it once seemed enough to write that "people of all genders and sexual orientations are welcome." It is now clear that simply mentioning this is of course not enough. Because a mixed group brings its own explosive power and of course everyone is welcome, but how do you do justice to the specific challenges? Are workshop leaders able to talk about vulvas in such a way that people without anatomical vulvas but with energetic vulvas can also receive a pussy massage? Who can do that? How? And how do group leaders manoeuvre whether a group is cool with structurally marginalized people (e.g. people with bodies on the spectrum of race, gender, age, dis_ability who have different conditions than the socially conventional norm) - without putting their foot in their mouths? There doesn't have to be bad intentions behind it, sometimes it's even the good intentions that are particularly hurtful. It's usually a question of habit. Be it just because someone suddenly laughs with amusement when a cis man puts on a dress. And then there's already an injury in the room for others. How do you deal with that? Is it our responsibility to absorb it? How far must and can intervention and therapeutic work go? How much should we demand in monetary terms as a workshop fee in order to fulfill this task and not fall into the trap of unpaid emotional labour?
These considerations are necessary so that "welcoming" does not just turn out to be "tolerating" or "tolerating", because those who are welcomed have to see for themselves where they are staying, even if they are not proactively excluded. In order to assert more than just hospitality, practices of proactive welcoming are needed, the orientation of the guest room to "all genders and sexual orientations", without subliminally assuming heteronormative rules. There is no point in "welcoming" vegan friends to dinner and then cooking with cream.
Risks and side effects
How much warning can and should be mentioned up front without scaring off potential participants? The courses get down to the nitty gritty, you have to be honestly prepared for the fact that things can bubble up that feel really shitty. How do you make sure that participants don't go into the workshop with a lump in their throat and an oppressive gut feeling - and that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or do the warnings obscure, like a veil of grey, what the courses naturally also stand for and what they can make possible: the lightness, the liberation, the triumphs, the squeaky clean, the valuable insights, la dolce vita... How do you ensure that the precautionary measures don't just annoy or patronize or only focus on the potentially most vulnerable participants and let everyone who wants to go faster, further, more intensively drive with the handbrake on? How long does the workshop have to be in order to be able to devote enough time (and energy) to what you have actually come together to do, in addition to getting to know each other, consensus exercises and feedback rounds? How can the announcement of possible dangers not become something merely overwhelming when all the talking and listening at workshops is already exhausting and draining enough for many people?
At the same time, it's not always just about risk prevention. Sometimes it is precisely the shitty experiences that are taken home as particularly valuable experiences. The unpleasant can be experienced as an opportunity to start up a kind of "development machine" that enables essential learning experiences and radically honest insights. As an opportunity to expand one's repertoire of coping strategies and philosophical horizons by "staying with the trouble" and dealing constructively with crises, to get to know oneself and others, to strengthen one's own "immune system" with its psychological resilience and also to grow as a group.
At the same time, this call to become stronger is also tiring and can be politically questionable. Sara Ahmed aptly describes how resilience can also be used as a conservative technique that encourages others to endure more pressure (and to be proud of it) instead of saying: "Nope, that's enough!" Can workshops manage this balancing act of not confusing strength with blunting and also making room for this "Nope!"? Where you try together to no longer have to take on something and "learn", but to say: You can now experience yourself in this "Enough!" and instead of becoming more resilient and domesticated, you can now bark and snap wildly.
"To be snappy is to be 'apt to speak sharply or irritably'. That certainly sounds like a feminist aptitude. Feminism: it has bite; she bites. [...] This does not mean or make snappiness right or into a right. But perhaps snappiness might be required to right a wrong when a wrong requires we bear it; that we take it, or that we take more of it.
Snap: when she can't take it anymore; when she just can't take it anymore. Speaking sharply, speaking with irritation. Maybe we can hear her irritation; a voice that rises, a voice that sharpens. A voice can lose its smoothness; becoming rougher, more brittle. When her irritation speaks volumes, we might be distracted from what is irritating. Can we even distract ourselves? Irritation is an intimacy of body and world." (Sara Ahmed: Living A Feminist Life, 2017)
Who with whom?
For our courses, we not only mention that everyone is welcome (unless courses are decidedly exclusive like the "orgie des femmes*"), but also that we do not want to artificially arrange any kind of gender relationship. I have experienced this as violent in some tantra courses, where it was assumed that the partner exercises would naturally work according to the Ark of Noah principle of male-working-with-female-together, and when there was a surplus of registered men, women were sought out or participated as assistants. It was then also clear that registered women were not simply allowed to work together with another woman, but were already included in the calculation for the men. I have never experienced female assistants being hired for the registered women, just in case a woman wanted to practise with a woman.
For example, we believe that there should be a general willingness to do exercises with different people, without their specific gender being the deciding factor. Nobody is forced to work with someone if it doesn't feel good. However, we would find this out in the respective situation and look for solutions instead of assuming arbitrary categories as exclusion criteria in advance.
This also means that if it should happen that only men register for a mixed course, then we would only do the course with men and perhaps write an email beforehand to prepare for it, but then that is the specific learning experience that fate sets us as a task. It is never a coincidence who registers, but rather, as with a tarot reading, it tells us something about the course who has been thrown together as if by an archaic intelligence. Why try to control and steer this artificially?
The group, the individual and the Lovebirds
We have also added a new clause after a course: You are welcome to come as a couple, but we will address you as individuals, not as couples/trios/polyfamilies. This sometimes happens when participants are invited to introduce themselves, share their own wishes, expectations and important information. And couples* suddenly address each other as one being and don't say "I" but "we". This is tricky, as it can prevent or even manipulate free speech because it is formulated according to the partner's expectations. We prefer that everyone speaks about themselves first and also works with the fact that the wishes and needs of one person are different to what is expected of them as a couple/group. You also need to work with this instead of censoring it in advance. This is precisely where you have the opportunity to experience your significant other from a completely new perspective and to bring a shimmering space into the relationship.
Sit down, be humble (bitch)
What's more, every course is a kind of "bubble" in which things are intense and out of the ordinary. Hormones can run at full speed, a special chemistry, even a kindred spirit, can be felt between practice partners, or one's own processes can be interpreted as breakthroughs - as if flogging or yoni homage has finally cured depression - or the group gets into a frenzy in which one's own practices are hailed as highly politically relevant and world peace-building. Sparks of this are certainly true, but we invite you not to over-interpret all this for the time being, to land back on earth nicely after the course and then to take stock of what remains of the workshop and what would like to be continued. Even the most nirvana-like insights fizzle out when the rut sets in again and you need to keep at it. And the workshop partner with whom you felt you had such a crush may seem completely different again on Monday. Which doesn't make them and the exercise any less magical.
Magic formula and FAQ
If everything is now put into a formula, then we are currently tinkering with this sprawling clause:
Is this for me?
Beginners and newbies as well as experienced players with all of their different needs and abilities are welcome. In order to prepare a workshop it's best to let us know beforehand about your experience level when registering.
Gender identity and sexual orientation are not criteria in the registration process and the selection of the participants. People of all colors, sizes, 18+ages, genders and sexual orientations are welcome, as well as differently abled bodies - as far as our resources meet your needs. Contact us if in doubt.
With whom do I work?
Our courses are built in a way to learn together as a group and support the personal experiences and developments of the participants. We work process-, not goal-oriented. Thus we a) don't understand ourselves as unquestionable "gurus", b) understand our work as open to and improvising with surprising results, rather than sticking to a recipe following certain steps leading to one goal/one "truth" and c) address each participant as individuals. Any kinds of partnerships are welcome, but you should be aware of and open to the fact that the courses are not specifically designed as a couple/polygroup experience. As an example: to include all participants equally, we usually work with random combinations of partners in the exercises. This also means that same, as well as differing, gender combinations are likely to occur. Since we embrace diversity and intersectional liberation, participants should be generally open to work with anybody and any body. Exceptions can still be discussed in individual cases and nobody will be forced to do anything they don't want to, on the contrary.
Is this safe?
You probably made your way to us not to be first and foremost safe, but because you want to experience something important, interesting, exciting, enriching. Therefore we don't create safety as a virtue that is an end in itself. Riskmanagement is a means to an end that supports those important experiences of collective flourishment, eliminating anything that doesn't serve this process.
Otherwise you could be safe but have an insignificant experience - and what's the use of that?
Creating a safe(r)/risk-aware space should never be confused with feeling 'good' and harmonious all the time. Participants should be aware that because of their experimental, possibly transgressive and eye-opening/light-shedding/magnifying-glass quality, kinky and sexual activities carry an inherent risk of physical and/or emotional injury. While providing a supportive, safer/risk-aware and confidential space (with e.g, tools and supplies, guidance and intention, exercises and space-holding, warm ups and aftercare, open dialogue and possibilities to follow one's own rhythm, adapting proposals, take breaks, ask also supposedly "stupid" questions, share, reflect and incorporate experiences, being aware that some deep processes can happen silently, not theatrically loud), it is still quite likely to feel uncomfortable or confused at some point - but going through those processes together can be a blessing, a chance for learning, growth and cultivating resilience. Or, if you don't feel like "recycling damages into more resources" we will try to hold space for you to snap Because that can also be the start of something.
We encourage you to modulate situations in a way that serves you and to find out what you need to feel supported, to minimize potential triggers and let us and the group know about it. We give permission to be yourself and connect, while requiring you to accept personal responsibility, to respect others and their (non-)consent as well as to honor your own needs and boundaries at all times. Taking care of yourself also includes to be informed about how to prevent STIs and getting tested regularly.
The responsibilities we assign you with, mean for us - as facilitators the people with "more power" - to consider our own responsibility to offset the possible pressure on consent. We work on defusing potential consequences of a "no", so your "yes" can be more free. This means, for example, there will be no consequences if you don't want to participate in an exercise, no shaming, no pushing, no presumptuous comments.
We ask you to stay sober during our events to fully enjoy the intoxicating qualities of your own hormones induced by bodywork and relational interactions.
Last but not least: For us a "safe space" has to mean: "mistake-friendly space". Mistakes will happen. Those who dare to walk on untrodden paths and do things that cost them some overcoming have a higher risk of making mistakes and we actually support you to do exactly that. Don't be afraid to be patronized, punished or excluded because of a mistake or because of having different opinions. The question is rather how you deal with them. We are in this together and will work with tensions. Actually some of the most touching and liberated (and safe) experiences came from this, because we don't gather and do this work just to again perform being good girls and boys doing everything correctly, but to spare ourselves this stress and finally be courageous and fail together. The possibility of failing big time as a basis for honest encounters and letting those things emerge that are important and alive and therefore so sexual in the here and now in this unique group.
What else should I know?
Due to the intense and unconventional nature of our spaces, it's possible to experience a "drop" some days after attending an event, even when leaving feeling wonderful and glorious. If possible, plan in some quality time for yourself after a workshop to digest your experiences and always feel free to stay in touch!
Our experience also shows that workshops have a lasting effect, but everything depends on what you make out of it and to keep on practicing. Enjoy the possible high a workshop can give you, but we recommend to stay humble and be careful not to overinterpret rose-colored glasses. The results might be more meaning- and powerful in their subtlety.
In the unlikely event of a problematic situation exceeding our capabilities of support, we will still provide you with helpful contacts and information. Reach out.
We reserve the right to ask participants to leave, should their behavior be extremely problematic and harming others. Any kind of hate speech will not be tolerated. But candy speech is allowed.
