Testimonial for our "Trial & Eros" workshop by Claire
This time, we’d like to share with you a longer reflection by a participant in one of our workshops. During the wonderful week-long gathering“Touch & Play”in southern Germany, Beata facilitated an intensive session she called “Trial & Eros – Engineering Fantasies and Navigating Playspaces,” which was all about figuring out what erotic fantasies you have, how to make them come true, how to use the group and the supportive atmosphere to actually make it happen, how to reflect with others on the experience, and then to do it again—but better!
Basically, it was meant to encourage participants not just to float around in a play space like a jellyfish and see where they end up (chances are it’ll just be a cuddle puddle…), but rather to approach it like an architect or a group of savvy researchers who want to harvest the best parts and proactively build their dreams.
And here is what Claire experienced:
“A brief digression. Just the act of signing up for the Trial&Eros intensive was a process in itself for me. When I signed up for the retreat, I had the option to choose one of the three intensive classes offered at the event. Since I didn’t know the format of the event, I wasn’t sure how many hours or days it would last, but I knew I had to make a decision—something that used to be difficult for me, and I’m still working on getting better at it. After much thought, I chose another class that would include a portion in the water, which I love. However, I wasn’t 100% convinced, and looking at the weather forecast, I feared that the water portion might be canceled. And so it was. I was told this on the first day of class, about an hour after the intensives had begun.
It took a lot of courage for me to listen to my inner voice, and most of all to follow it and switch classes. Luckily, I was warmly welcomed by the new teacher, Beata, and I suddenly felt at ease in the group. For me, this marked the beginning of a week during which I was amazed time and again by how quickly I learned to tune in to and check in with my body, my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my truth… and act accordingly. This embodied integrity gave me such a powerful feeling!
But let's get into the details of my experience at the Trial&Eros Intensive. The theme of the week was sexual fantasies, and looking back, I can see how each day was an important building block that helped me create the wonderful experience I had at the retreat.
The lesson I took away at the end of the intensive was: “Be open to something bigger and more beautiful than what I am able to imagine.” These are the words I wrote in my diary after acting out a scene that I could never have imagined or described so precisely:“This is how it feels. It’s amazing. Beautiful. My body has expanded. I feel my energetic body tingling.” I loved flying, being held, pulled, and grabbed by three men. I had a fantasy about a gangbang, and during the intensive week I tried to voice it and bring it to life. Still, it didn’t quite work out or feel very satisfying. Today I was open to my true desire: to be desired by many men and to allow them to do with me what excites them, in a loving and respectful way. It wasn’t a forced scene. It was real, organic, changing, and adapting to my moans, smiles, and bodily reactions. I was fully present. I trusted the others and loved having a space holder who had already witnessed me in another session the day before. I loved that a participant reminded me of my divine essence, just as he had called me at the beginning of the week. I loved every moment of this experience.‚
Artwork: “The Doll House” by Alina Kopytsa
How did so much magic happen in just a week? On the first day, we played a “fake therapy” game, and I already gained some valuable insights that revealed how my inner desire differed from the fantasy I thought I had. This opened my eyes, and the problems that had been preventing me from acting out my fantasy no longer seemed so significant. On the second day, we drew inspiration from art and embodied a painting. My group worked on the state of being in full power and presence, which for me is connected to living a conscious sexuality. After the workshop, I noticed that my awareness of my inner power had increased, and later on, other people came to me and shared that they saw my inner beauty and were inspired by me. This boosted my courage, which I needed to take the next steps on this journey. In the days that followed, we worked with fantasies, forming groups to act out a specific scene or standing in the center of a circle and inviting people to join with their consent. I worked through my layers of shyness when speaking about such an intimate topic in front of a large group. I received a few “no’s” and was able to truly understand where the other person was coming from with their “no” and the reason behind it, without taking it personally. I left my comfort zone and pushed myself to the limit, trying to make something happen—something I’d never dared to say out loud. In doing so, I experienced excitement, nervousness, and also frustration as I had to accept that unpredictable circumstances arise and my sexual fantasy wasn’t unfolding the way I’d imagined. However, toward the end of the event—exactly at the moment when I let go—magic began to happen. It happened on the dance floor during a contact jam. It happened when I surrendered completely to the unknown. And I loved it!
On the last day of the Trial&Eros intensive, we had one last chance to share our fantasies and ask other participants to join in and make them a reality. “It’s such a rare opportunity to have a space like this to explore and feel safe.” With words like these, Beata invited the remaining participants to present their fantasies to the group. By then, my mind was blank. I had already let go of the idea I’d had at the beginning of the week. Then, all of a sudden, the right words came to me, and I stood up in the middle of the circle. I spoke loud and clear, looking at all the faces around me. My sexual fantasy was pretty vague and, at the same time, really precise. There was a clear framework, and within that, room for interpretation, I’d say. I wasn’t trying to control anything or anyone. The universe took over, and the right people felt drawn to my words. I surrendered and trusted, breathed, and shone. That’s when the real magic happened, and I lived out the best sexual fantasy I could ever have dreamed of. And the lesson I took away at the end of the intensive was: “Be open to something bigger and more beautiful than what I am able to imagine.”
