Testimonial for our "Trial & Eros" workshop by Claire
This time we’d like to share with you a longer reflection by a participant in one of our workshops. During the wonderful week-long gathering“Touch & Play”in southern Germany, Beata facilitated an intensive session she called “Trial & Eros – Engineering Fantasies and Navigating Playspaces,” which was all about figuring out what erotic fantasies you have, how to make them come true, how to use the group and the supportive atmosphere to actually make it happen, how to reflect with others on how it went, and then to do it again—but better!
Basically, it was meant to encourage participants not just to drift around in a play space like a jellyfish and see where they end up (chances are it’ll just be a cuddle puddle…), but rather to approach it like an architect or a group of savvy researchers who want to gather the best ideas and proactively build their dreams.
And here is what Claire experienced:
“A brief digression. Simply signing up for the Trial&Eros intensive was a process in itself for me. When I signed up for the retreat, I had the option to choose one of the three intensive classes offered at the event. Not knowing the format of the event, I wasn’t sure how many hours or days it would take, but I knew I had to make a decision—something that used to be difficult for me, and I’m still working on getting better at it. After much thought, I chose another class where part of it would take place in water, which I love. However, I wasn’t 100% convinced, and looking at the weather forecast, I feared that the water portion might be canceled. And so it was. I was told this on the first day of class, about an hour after the intensives began.
It took a lot of courage for me to listen to my inner voice, and above all to follow it and switch classes. Luckily, I was warmly welcomed by the new teacher, Beata, and I suddenly felt at ease in the group. For me, this marked the beginning of a week during which I was amazed time and again by how quickly I learned to tune in and check in with my body, my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my truth… and act accordingly. This embodied integrity gave me such a powerful feeling!
But let’s dive into the details of my experience at the Trial&Eros Intensive. The theme of the week was sexual fantasies, and looking back, I can see how each day was an important building block that helped me create the wonderful experience I had at the retreat.
The lesson I took away at the end of the intensive was: “Be open to something bigger and more beautiful than what I am able to imagine.” These are the words I wrote in my diary after acting out a scene that I could never have imagined or described so precisely:“This is how it feels. It’s amazing. Beautiful. My body has expanded. I feel my energetic body tingling.” I loved flying, being held, pulled, and grabbed by three men. I had a fantasy about a gangbang, and during the intensive week I tried to voice it, to bring it into being. Still, it didn’t work out or feel satisfying. Today I was open to my true desire: to be desired by many men and to allow them to do with me what excites them, in a loving and respectful way. It wasn’t a forced scene. It was real, organic, changing, adjusting to my moaning, smiling, and bodily reactions. I was totally present. I trusted the other people and loved having a space holder who had already witnessed me in another session the day before. I loved that a participant reminded me of my divine essence, just as he had called me at the beginning of the week. I loved this entire experience.
Artwork: “The Doll House” by Alina Kopytsa
How did so much magic happen in just a week? On the first day, we played a mock therapy session, and I already gained some valuable insights that revealed my inner desire was different from the fantasy I thought I had. This opened my eyes, and the problems that had been preventing me from acting on my fantasy no longer seemed so significant. On the second day, we drew inspiration from art and embodied a painting. My group worked on the state of being in full power and presence, which for me is connected to living a conscious sexuality. After the workshop, I noticed that my awareness of my inner power had grown, and later, other people came to me and shared that they saw my inner beauty and were inspired by me. This boosted my courage, which I needed to take the next steps on this journey. In the following days, we worked with fantasies, forming groups to act out a specific scene or standing in the center of a circle and inviting others to join with their consent. I worked through my layers of shyness in speaking about such an intimate topic in front of a large group. I received a few “no’s” and was able to truly understand where the other person was coming from with their refusal and where it stemmed from, without taking it personally. I left my comfort zone and pushed myself to the edge, trying to make something happen that I had never dared to say out loud. In doing so, I experienced excitement, nervousness, and also frustration as I had to accept that unpredictable circumstances arise and my sexual fantasy wasn’t unfolding the way I had imagined. However, toward the end of the event, exactly in the moment when I let go, magic began to happen. It happened on the dance floor during a contact jam. It happened when I surrendered completely to the unknown. And I loved it!
On the last day of the Trial&Eros intensive, we had one last chance to share our fantasies and ask other participants to join in and make them happen. “It’s such a rare opportunity to have a space like this to explore and feel safe.” With words like these, Beata invited the remaining participants to present their fantasies to the group. By then, my mind was blank. I had already let go of the idea I’d had at the start of the week. Then all of a sudden the right words came to me, and I stood up in the middle of the circle. I spoke loud and clear and looked at all the faces around me. My sexual fantasy was pretty vague and at the same time really precise. There was a clear framework, and within that, room for interpretation, I’d say. I wasn’t trying to control anything or anyone. The universe took over, and the right people felt drawn to my words. I surrendered and trusted, breathed, and shone. So the real magic happened, and I lived out the best sexual fantasy I could ever have dreamed of. And the lesson I took away at the end of the intensive was: “Be open to something bigger and more beautiful than what I am able to imagine.”
