I'm sorry about the sex
This interview was first published on August 2, 2024, at
in the online magazine MyGiulia .
— Pamela Russmann
The myGiulia theme for August is “What a feeling.” What feelings do you associate with sex?
— Beate Absalon
In English, I would say “anticipation,” which in German is unfortunately usually translated as “Vorfreude.” But in the English sense of this spellbound state of expectation, both can exist at the same time: joy and fear. And what I like about the word “anticipation” is that it refers to a state that hasn’t happened yet. I also associate that with sex—this endless circling around something that somehow can’t quite be grasped.
— Pamela Russmann
Your book is titled “Not Giving a Fuck,” but you’re not a sex therapist—you’re a cultural studies scholar. Why did you write a book about sexual aversion, sexless desire, and unfulfilling sex? It didn’t turn out to be a self-help guide, after all.
— Beate Absalon
Self-help books tend to promise healing and offer the most efficient solution possible. The desired end goal is usually already set in stone. And more often than not, it boils down to the promise that, after a lull in the bedroom, you’ll get the wind back in your sails. I often feel as though I’m being forced into a ready-made “this is how it should be” template. The cultural studies approach offers a different kind of relief. The suffering is placed within broader historical and social contexts. You come to understand that it is not you who are “wrong,” but rather that something is amiss with the circumstances. This is extremely relieving. And it calls for finding your own unique ways of dealing with your love life—ways that truly have something to do with you, rather than merely conforming to an external norm.
— Pamela Russmann
Who actually came up with the idea of saying, “This often—that’s normal”?
— Beate Absalon
The question of “how often” is a matter of measurement, and thus involves a scientific, experimental approach. Sexologists such as Alfred Kinsey, William Masters, and Virginia Johnson popularized this approach in the 1950s and 1960s. To this day, statistics shape our understanding of sex. Yet much is lost in the process. Knowing how often people have sex on average says nothing about the quality of those experiences. Just recently, I came across a study in which researchers found a correlation between satisfaction and regular sex and assumed that the study participants’ happiness would double if they slept together twice as often. However, their satisfaction actually decreased. It is not sex that is important for happiness. Rather, it is the question of what we feel like doing and what enables us to enjoy life.
— Pamela Russmann
You’re part of what’s known as the sex-positive movement. Could you explain what that’s all about and why you’re no longer so happy with the status quo of this lifestyle?
— Beate Absalon
Sex-positive movements oppose sex-negativity—that is, taboos, abstinence education, and moralizing prohibitions. Sex-positive feminism emphasizes tolerance toward sexual diversity and the principle of consent: anything goes, nothing is mandatory (as long as all parties involved agree). I have no objection to this; on the contrary. I just have the impression that sex-positivity alone isn’t enough. Not only because sex-positivity can create pressure to have a lot of sex or to have unusual sex. But because patriarchal oppression has many faces. It’s not just sexual indulgence that’s suppressed, but also the right not to have sex. We’re considered frigid, boring, and broken if we don’t do it often enough. Paradoxical rules prevail. Under the male gaze, some women are regarded as special “trophies” as long as they don’t sleep with too many men, yet remain seductive and willing despite their chaste restraint. That is why I propose that, alongside sex positivity, we also need sex negativity—understood as a critical analysis of the sex that is forced upon us and makes us unhappy.
— Pamela Russmann
Are our bodies, our senses, and our pleasure receptors going on strike because they are “smarter” than our minds and no longer want to perform just for the sake of performing?
— Beate Absalon
Symptoms such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, lack of desire, or even panic attacks can have many causes. But yes, the central thesis of my book is that the physical matter of our bodies is stubborn and perhaps, in a complex way, intelligent. I would like to suggest that we not immediately go to war with unpleasant disturbances that stand in the way of the “ideal” sex we hope for, but instead approach them with curiosity and without judgment. What if we cast a gaze upon their rebelliousness that is not sugarcoating, but gentle? Perhaps they are on our side? Perhaps they want to tell us something? Maybe they’re standing up for us against something? Maybe, thanks to them, we’ll veer off the intended path and into interesting territory?
— Pamela Russmann
Social and societal movements occur in waves and are reactions to previous norms. After many years in which so much was driven by the catchy, widely accepted slogan “Sex sells,” will people who don’t feel a heightened interest in sexual activity be in vogue in 2024?
— Beate Absalon
That’s the conclusion one might draw when “it girls” like Julia Fox roll their eyes and call sex the most boring thing in the world. Women in particular, but also Generation Z, are increasingly describing themselves as voluntarily celibate. However, we must not forget that they are not turning against sex itself. After all, there is no such thing as “the” sex. They are simply fed up with a certain kind of sex. I suspect it’s the kind of sex I describe in my book based on four characteristics: 1.) when it’s assumed that sex must inevitably happen, 2.) when it’s overloaded with great significance, 3.) when it’s used as a strategic tool, and 4.) when, in its ubiquity, it displaces other forms of intimacy in a voracious manner.
— Pamela Russmann
In your book, you describe how the quality of a romantic relationship is often judged by how often sex occurs. Relationships are called into question or ended when the desire for one’s partner is no longer there. Is a romantic relationship only valuable if sexuality and intimacy are shared?
Read more on MyGiulia – >> Link to the article
