I'm sorry about the sex
This interview first appeared on August 2, 2024, at
in the online magazine MyGiulia .
— Pamela Russmann
The myGiulia theme for August is “What a feeling.” What feeling do you associate with sex?
— Beate Absalon
In English, I would say “anticipation,” which, unfortunately, is usually translated into German as “Vorfreude.” But in the English sense of this spellbound state of expectation, both can coexist: joy and fear. And what I like about the word “anticipation” is that it refers to a state that hasn’t happened yet. I also associate that with sex—this endless circling around something that somehow can’t quite be grasped.
— Pamela Russmann
Your book is titled “Not Giving a Fuck,” but you’re not a sex therapist—you’re a cultural studies scholar. Why did you write a book about a lack of sexual desire, sexless desire, and unfulfilling sex? It didn’t turn out to be a self-help book, after all.
— Beate Absalon
Self-help books tend to promise a cure and provide the most efficient solution possible. The desired end goal is usually already set. And more often than not, it boils down to the promise that, after a lull in the bedroom, you’ll get the wind back in your sails. I often feel as though I’m being forced into a predefined “this is how it should be” template. The cultural studies approach offers a different kind of relief. The suffering is placed within broader historical and social contexts. You come to understand that it’s not you who are “wrong,” but rather that something about the circumstances is amiss. That’s incredibly relieving. And it challenges you to find your own unique ways of dealing with your love life—ways that truly reflect who you are, rather than merely conforming to an external norm.
— Pamela Russmann
Who actually came up with the idea of saying, “This many times—that’s normal”?
— Beate Absalon
The question of “how often” is a matter of measurement—that is, a scientific, experimental approach. Sexologists such as Alfred Kinsey, William Masters, and Virginia Johnson popularized this approach in the 1950s and 1960s. To this day, statistics shape our understanding of sex. However, much is lost in the process. Knowing how often people have sex on average says nothing about the quality of those experiences. Just recently, I came across a study in which researchers found a correlation between satisfaction and regular sex and assumed that the study participants’ happiness would double if they had sex twice as often. However, their satisfaction actually decreased. It’s not sex itself that’s important for happiness. Rather, it’s the question of what we feel like doing and what enables us to enjoy life.
— Pamela Russmann
You’re part of the so-called sex-positive movement. Please explain: What’s it all about, and why aren’t you as happy with the status quo of this lifestyle anymore?
— Beate Absalon
Sex-positive movements are directed against sex-hostility—that is, against taboos, education that promotes abstinence, or moralizing prohibitions. Sex-positive feminism emphasizes tolerance toward sexual diversity and the principle of mutual consent: Anything goes, nothing is mandatory (as long as all parties involved agree). I have no objection to that—on the contrary. I just have the impression that sex-positivity alone isn’t enough. Not only because sex-positivity can once again create pressure to have a lot of sex—or to have it in unusual ways. But because patriarchal oppression has many faces. It’s not just sexual excess that’s suppressed, but also the right not to have sex. We’re considered frigid, boring, and broken if we don’t do it often enough. Paradoxical rules prevail. Under the male gaze, some women are regarded as special “trophies” as long as they don’t sleep with too many men, yet remain seductive and willing despite their chaste restraint. That’s why I propose that, alongside sex positivity, we also need sex negativity—understood as a critical analysis of the sex that is forced upon us and makes us unhappy.
— Pamela Russmann
Are our bodies, our senses, and our pleasure receptors going on strike because they are “smarter” than our minds and no longer want to perform just for the sake of performing?
— Beate Absalon
Symptoms such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, lack of desire, or even panic attacks can have many causes. But yes, the thesis of my book is that the physical matter of our bodies is willful and perhaps also intelligent in intricate ways. I’d like to suggest that, rather than immediately going on the warpath against unpleasant disruptions that stand in the way of the “ideal” sex we hope for, we should sometimes approach them with curiosity and without judgment. What if we take a look at their defiance—one that doesn’t sugarcoat it, but is gentle nonetheless? Maybe they’re on our side? Maybe they’re trying to tell us something? Maybe they’re standing up for us against something? Maybe, thanks to them, we’ll veer off the intended path and end up in interesting territory?
— Pamela Russmann
Social and societal movements occur in waves and are reactions to previous norms. After many years during which so much was driven by the catchy, widely accepted slogan “Sex sells,” will people who don’t have a heightened interest in sexual activity be in vogue in 2024?
— Beate Absalon
That’s the conclusion one might draw when “it girls” like Julia Fox roll their eyes and call sex the most boring thing in the world. Women in particular, but also Generation Z, are increasingly describing themselves as voluntarily celibate. However, we must not forget that they are not turning against sex itself. After all, there is no such thing as “the” sex. They’re just fed up with a certain kind of sex. I suspect it’s the kind of sex I describe in my book based on four characteristics: 1.) when it’s assumed that sex must inevitably happen, 2.) when it’s overburdened with great significance, 3.) when it’s used as a strategic tool, and 4.) when, due to its ubiquity, it displaces other forms of intimacy in a voracious manner.
— Pamela Russmann
In your book, you describe how the quality of a romantic relationship is determined by how often the couple has sex. Relationships are called into question or end when the desire for one’s partner is no longer there. Is a romantic relationship only valuable if sexuality and intimacy are shared?
Read more on MyGiulia – >> Link to the article
