THE PILLOW BLOG

 

Testimonial for our workshop "Trial & Eros" by Claire
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Testimonial for our workshop "Trial & Eros" by Claire

This time we wish to share with you a longer reflection by a participant of one of our workshops. During the wonderful week-long gathering "Touch & Play" in south Germany, Beata facilitated an intensive she called "Trial & Eros - Engineering Fantasies and Navigating Playspaces" which was all about figuring out what erotic fantasies you have, how to make them come true, to seize the group and atmospheric container to actually make it happen, to reflect with others how it was and to then do it again - but better! Basically it wanted to motivate participants to not only float around in a playspace like a jellyfish and see where they land (chances are it will just be a cuddle puddle...), but rather approach it like an architect or a bunch of savvy researchers who want to harvest the good stuff and proactively build their dreams.

And here is what Claire experienced...

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Intimate Interviews Part I - The connection between art and desire and a workshop request concert
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Intimate Interviews Part I - The connection between art and desire and a workshop request concert

Last year, we had the pleasure of conducting interviews with lovely and talented people about everything that concerns us in our work. To do this, we first pampered our interviewees with a bodywork session of their choice so that we could get into conversation with each other in a well-blooded way. We had prepared many questions and they came up again and again, while others arose spontaneously. So the conversations usually started with a free association on the topic of "sex" - just say the first thing that comes to mind without thinking. And towards the end, it was usually about which workshops on creative intimacy they would specifically like to see. What emerged between us and was put into words are pieces of gold for me! Here is the first transcribed interview!

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Lonely surfaces - sexual enhancement on the touchscreen
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Lonely surfaces - sexual enhancement on the touchscreen

"It's the usual problem of boundaries. When was the first time you satisfied yourself? The first successful autoerotic stimulation that put an end to frustrated fingering? The attempt at meaningful finger play?" asks the protagonist of the film "Jung & Wild" in her blog of the same name, in which she philosophizes about her erotic endeavours. Yes, how do we actually learn to give ourselves and others pleasure? Do we follow intuitions, do we find out by trial and error, or do we look for tips and tricks to guide us? With the advent of so-called sex technologies, there are new ways to increase our arousal skills.

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Sexmoralism - Compulsory Sex - Sexpositivity - Sexnegativity
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Sexmoralism - Compulsory Sex - Sexpositivity - Sexnegativity

I would like to take up the cudgels for sex negativity. Why?
1) Despite all the fantastic things that are made possible under the label "sex-positive", there are also some weak points, stumbling blocks, traps and misunderstandings. These go hand in hand with an uncritical understanding of sex positivity when a too one-sided diagnosis of the problem is made: that sex is primarily repressed and taboo.
2) I would like to propose a very specific understanding of sex negativity that cannot be confused with a kind of ecclesiastical-conservative or political-right sexophobia.
3) In general, I want to abandon binary divisions and make it clear that sex-negativity and sex-positivity do not have to be two opponents, but rather as two progressive strategies that both could pull together from opposite directions in order to achieve a huge victory together.

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Inspiring restraint - not only in Japanese. Cultural and historical links to bondage
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Inspiring restraint - not only in Japanese. Cultural and historical links to bondage

"[...] it matters what stories we tell to tell other stories with; it matters what knots knot knots, what thoughts think thoughts, what ties tie ties."
- Donna Haraway

Anyone who has tasted bondage blood and wants to learn more about the techniques, schools and origins of bondage practices beyond improvised tying with a bathrobe belt will sooner or later come across the Japanese arts of restriction Shibari or Kinbaku. The Hojojutsu practices of the samurai, which date back to the Japanese Middle Ages and were used to overpower opponents by tying them up with ropes, are then referred to straight away. We learn that shibari/kinbaku developed organically from everyday Japanese culture, which is based entirely on binding, as kimonos and gifts are also tied with a furoshiki. In his highly acclaimed book "The Beauty of Kinbaku", Master "K" never tires of emphasizing how closely shibari/kinbaku is linked to Japanese...

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Clauses. A self-reflection
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Clauses. A self-reflection

The list of what we want to include as clauses in our workshop descriptions grows and grows from one workshop experience to the next. For example, it used to be enough to write that "people of all genders and sexual orientations are welcome." It is now clear that simply mentioning this is of course not enough. Because a mixed group brings its own explosive power and of course everyone is welcome, but how do you do justice to the specific challenges? Are workshop leaders able to talk about vulvas in such a way that people without an anatomical vulva but with an energetic vulva can also receive a pussy massage? Who can do that? How? And how do group leaders manoeuvre through whether a group is cool with, for example, structurally marginalized people (e.g. people with bodies on the spectrum of race, gender, age, dis_ability who have different conditions than the socially conventional norm) - without being drawn into the triggering...

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Beyond 'sex-positive' and 'sex-negative'
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Beyond 'sex-positive' and 'sex-negative'

How do you feel about "sex positivity"? Just the word now!
When I heard the term for the first time, I couldn't get it together that such a sensual and dazzling space was labeled with such a cool and mathematical expression, the sound of which reminded me of the formulation of unpleasant medical diagnoses. Or I had to think of the pejorative accusations of positivism that I know from scientific contexts, when the blind spots are pointed out that go hand in hand with limiting the development of a topic to the one-dimensional accumulation and accumulation of facts, when there is also a surplus of knowledge that is non-positivizable, that cannot be clearly answered with "yes" or "no". In these initial associations with 'positivity', the term is not initially judgmental, but merely denotes a factual "something is there" "something is above zero". Of course, 'sex positivity' doesn't just want to emphasize that there is simply sex...

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Deguiltification - Experiential Essay By Chris Ifso
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Deguiltification - Experiential Essay By Chris Ifso

Beata and Matís run luhmen d'arc, a company founded in Berlin which creates "spaces dedicated to the manifold aspects of intimacy and desire." In September 2019 the duo were participants in Schmiede, a 10-day maker festival based at the Old Salt Works, Hallein in Austria, involving over 100 artists, musicians, digital creators and writers - including me. Beata is also an academic; her PhD topic is The Art of Sex Education: Contemporary Aesthetics As Idiosyncratic Interventions in Hegemonic Sexual Discourses. As research for this, luhmen d'arc was there to interview a range of participants about attitudes to sexuality. Interviewees were also offered an introductory bodywork session. A mattress sits in one corner of this large barn-like wooden studio, behind a flimsy curtain hung on a rope between pillars. I take off my shoes, lie face down and close my eyes. Beata and Matís proceed to give me a massage which is by turns tender, arousing, rough, funny and relaxing. I am fully-clothed and they are mild, but crucially there is no rule against getting turned on. To prove this, around the space are scattered vibrators, rope and masks for those who request to experiment further. I purr, laugh, wriggle and groan as I'm cradled, gently pummelled and stroked. I open my eyes, they switch on the tape recorder and ask me what the session brought up for me. There I am, a man aged 63, relaxed and glowing, lolling next to a young man and woman I like and trust, with whom there is no reason whatever to feel inhibited. I am among friendly strangers...

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Forensic Sexualities. Some thoughts on shame
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Forensic Sexualities. Some thoughts on shame

Research question: To what extent is sexuality not simply a means of gaining or increasing pleasure, but a catalyst, a medium with which something that is inside our bodies is processed? I came up with this question after a conversation with friends about shame. The general consensus is that shame is a bad thing and has to go so that we can finally be liberated. Although I don't think this is entirely wrong, something inside me resists. It seems too simple to me - and if it were so simple, why haven't we got rid of shame long ago? It also resists because I am afraid of the short-circuit reaction of simply suppressing the shame and pretending not to be ashamed. And as we all know, everything that has been repressed comes back at some point, finds its cracks and niches to creep back to the surface. It can't simply be pushed away, it has to be dealt with. On top of that, I fear that people will start to feel ashamed of being ashamed or that shame-shaming will occur. Last but not least, there are a lot of very unpleasant contemporaries who behave shamelessly and who make you wish your superego was stronger...

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'Look what marketing's done to my body' - On the compulsion of (not so) creative self-marketing
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

'Look what marketing's done to my body' - On the compulsion of (not so) creative self-marketing

As much as I enjoy designing and running workshops and it always feels like meaningful work, there is one activity that I simply hate: marketing. Begging people to please please please recognize what a great job you're doing despite the huge competition and that they come - not just because it's a profession and you want to make a living from it, but also because it would be too sad if workshops had to be cancelled due to low numbers of participants. While writing announcement texts is still fun for me, the horror begins when I realize that I've been sitting in front of Facebook for hours, searching for one Conscious and Sensuality group after the other like a hunter and putting myself to work posting the event link with an inviting text everywhere interested people might find it - always with the ulterior motive that some groups have become a limbo of just such posts...

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Eclectic attempt at un/security (work in process)
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Eclectic attempt at un/security (work in process)

risk, safety, conflict, consent - what drives sex-positive scenes usually has something to do with these key terms. It's complicated. Insecurity is not bad per se and safety is not good per se and vice versa. In my personal experience, I have found spaces that strongly emphasize consensus to be both empowering and enriching, as well as constricting, school-like or tamed and therefore simply boring or not doing justice to issues that are fundamentally ambivalent grey areas. Sometimes these spaces led to frustration when the very people to whom I could give myself completely because of their trusting nature always backed down when things got interesting so as not to push 'my' boundaries...

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Wellness and exorcism. An attempt to answer the question of what makes a session valuable
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Wellness and exorcism. An attempt to answer the question of what makes a session valuable

Always a balancing act: the thing with sitting circles in workshop settings. It's unbearably pedagogical when everyone has to take turns laying an egg and saying something (footnote: and, interestingly enough, surprisingly often giving information about their own tiredness or alertness). On the other hand, it is also so wonderfully democratic when everyone is given space to speak and be heard, without shyness or overconfidence deciding who speaks. And then there is the admittedly always powerful circle symbolism, which in séances even makes tables move as if by magic...

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The Ropes That Mean The World. Reflections on the EURIX - Rope Artist Intl. Performances Spring 2019
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

The Ropes That Mean The World. Reflections on the EURIX - Rope Artist Intl. Performances Spring 2019

The last EURIX - an event dedicated to Bondage/Shibari/Kinbaku - presented its third edition of "'Rope Artists International' Rope Bondage Performance Festival", which aims to bring the performative aspects of rope bondage to the stage. "For this edition we matched rope performers with experts in the field of professional performance and invited them to research on the threshold between art and kink" explains the event's description, and further: "As the focus of EURIX is on creativity and innovation and is joined by the most advanced of riggers and models, the performance program displays not only high level technical skills, but also presents the latest findings of the aest[het]ical and theatrical...

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"Always this disgusting sex". To read the reviews of Jan Bonny's 'Wintermärchen'
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

"Always this disgusting sex". To read the reviews of Jan Bonny's 'Wintermärchen'

The feature reviews give the impression that emphasizing one's own indignation and disgust is a necessary consequence that viewers must draw when sex and terrorist violence are presented together. And this is despite the fact that, if you look closely, the staging of sex in 'Winter's Tale' works differently from the callous hardcore rampaging in other neo-Nazi films. In contrast, the explicit scenes in Jan Bonny look surprisingly 'normal'. Normal = no steely bodies, the groping looks clumsy ("ouch!"), there are insecurities, jealousy, envy, it looks bored, then, to spice it up, they...

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A mixed bag, please! Definition difficulties
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

A mixed bag, please! Definition difficulties

Difficulties in understanding. When people talk about their wildest love affairs in friendly conviviality and then the extra hint is dropped: "...and then we also had sex". Oops, and what was the other thing you did together? It's actually a classic: where does sexuality begin and where does it end? Generally, the term refers exclusively to the penetrative act. This is particularly surprising when the people you're talking to are people who otherwise celebrate sexuality in all its diversity and engage in various experiments, techniques, games and pleasures that go beyond the heteronormative compulsory matrix...

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Enduring the weird. Reflections after a workshop
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Enduring the weird. Reflections after a workshop

"Feeling good is not a special quality" - explained my Butoh dance teacher Anna Barth many years ago. You could have thought she was being cynical, but instead my heart sank. Like a wise temptation, the sentence expressed what one suspects but searches for in vain when the standard of Instagram images naturally elevates comfort to a desirable standard. This sentence opened up a space that hospitably granted access to a variety of moods and feelings. The aim was no longer to lead a happy life, but a rich one. When dancing, this manifested itself in such a way that I shamelessly no longer...

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Some Thoughts On The Empowering Sensual Objectifications In Contact Improvisation
Beata Absalon Beata Absalon

Some Thoughts On The Empowering Sensual Objectifications In Contact Improvisation

What has struck me from my first CI class was the surprisingly pleasant experience to actually not be encountered and perceived as a human, as a person, as an individual, as Beata, but to simply be used as some sort of material, as a supporting object used by others to carry out different motions and movements. It was not offensive, but refreshing and relaxing, because the touch and the encounters did not want something from me directly. The touch was occupied by other intentions and I was just a mere medium to discover aims that were not mine. This feeling was not entirely new. I enjoy to be checked for dangerous goods by Security at the Airport for example. And in a more planned and direct way I am also familiar with objectification-games in BDSM-contexts, e. g. when people are...

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