THE PILLOW BLOG

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Video interview by the Goethe-Institut China with Beata on “Pornography & Society”
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Video interview by the Goethe-Institut China with Beata on “Pornography & Society”

What materials can help us get to the bottom of the elusive nature of sexuality? How are our bodies and their desires entangled in power dynamics—and how do we deal with that? Alone or with others? Publicly or privately? By emphasizing the beautiful or the difficult aspects? With playfulness or seriousness? Being sweet or being angry? Do we even have to decide—and why is it always so much about deciding “This is good and this is bad!” when it comes to sexuality? For the issue of the online magazine “yì” focusing on “Pornography and Society,” Silvan Hagenbrock, online editor at the Goethe-Institut China, spoke with Beata about her work and vision.
Watch the video here.

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The Inner Playground. An audio journey by Tim Holland
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

The Inner Playground. An audio journey by Tim Holland

All these workshops, sessions, and play areas are places we visit because we want to experience ourselves differently, encounter others, and become someone else. Transformation, change, becoming a stranger, becoming close, metamorphoses, turning the inner out, the outer in, being turned inside out, being lifted elsewhere, going through the ceiling and deep into the earth, letting oneself be amazed, astonished, surprised, and moved by the unimagined and the unknown, letting it all out, everything out, inventing the unheard, sensing, approaching, circling, trying, temptation. But all the workshops and sessions and games are currently off-limits to us—pause, lockdown, retreat, distance. I therefore recommend, for everyone who still wants to experience physical sensations with “Huiuiuiuiuiui!” feelings, this wonderful guide to “becoming an alien” by my dear and talented friend Tim, which transforms you completely… For this, it’s best to find a quiet place with headphones, press play, and follow the instructions…

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Daniela Reina Téllez on the Power of Workshops and Circles
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Daniela Reina Téllez on the Power of Workshops and Circles

Daniela works “in the fields of experimental art and somatic work” and explores “the political, ecological, and activist potential of workshops and body practices as artistic practices.” What a joy and pleasure it was to meet this wonderful person at the Touch & Play Festival! I was moved by her social media post, in which she shared the transcript of her talk below, with the words: “(…) Fellow and dear facilitators and circle-holders: Thank you for the work you do ❤ Let’s keep gatherings and circles alive, especially now; virtually, outdoors, with distance, with safe(r) measures… Let’s keep them and us alive!” And thank YOU for the work you do, Daniela! I hope that reading about her artistic journey and her tribute to workshops, gatherings, sessions, and circles reaches and enriches many people. Because course and bodywork are immensely important, yet are sometimes, oddly enough, met with derision, even though they count among the most meaningful events and creations I have been able to experience and shape myself in this life. That’s why—here we go…

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Sex /vs./&/?/ Violence. An Attempt at Conceptual Delimitation Through Distinction
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Sex /vs./&/?/ Violence. An Attempt at Conceptual Delimitation Through Distinction

“What is sex?” we asked during a discussion session at Xplore. Anna Natt and Matís invited us to break down this impossible question into more specific parts: “How do you use the word sex?”, “How do you have sex?”, and “How do you know you’ve had sex?” One participant explained that he was attending this discussion group because he thought it was a good idea to hear, at a sex-positive event, what “sex” actually means to the participants here. Community = shared language. Makes sense. But after the first round, it becomes clear that “sex” means something different to everyone. And yet it would be too easy to stop at private language and pseudo-enlightened “Everyone sees it differently, everyone is right, no one is right. Namaste.” Surely we can find good arguments for common ground to agree on convincing conceptual boundaries. The answers to the questions vary between references to specific…

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Testimonial for our "Trial & Eros" workshop by Claire
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Testimonial for our "Trial & Eros" workshop by Claire

This time we would like to share with you a longer reflection by a participant in one of our workshops. During the wonderful week-long gathering "Touch & Play" in southern Germany, Beata facilitated an intensive session she called "Trial & Eros – Engineering Fantasies and Navigating Playspaces," which was all about figuring out what erotic fantasies you have, how to make them come true, how to use the group and the atmosphere to actually make it happen, how to reflect with others on how it went, and then doing it again—but better! Basically, it aimed to motivate participants not just to float around in a playspace like a jellyfish and see where they end up (chances are it’ll just be a cuddle puddle…), but rather to approach it like an architect or a group of savvy researchers who want to harvest the good stuff and proactively build their dreams.

And here is what Claire experienced...

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Intimate Interviews Part I – The Intersection of Art and Desire, and a Workshop Request Show
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Intimate Interviews Part I – The Intersection of Art and Desire, and a Workshop Request Show

Last year, we had the pleasure of interviewing wonderful and talented people about everything that also occupies us in our work. To start things off, we treated our interviewees to a bodywork session of their choice, so we could get the conversation flowing with a good rush of blood. We had prepared many questions, some of which came up repeatedly, while others arose spontaneously. So the conversations usually began with a free association on the topic of “sex”—simply saying whatever first came to mind, without thinking. And toward the end, the focus was mostly on what specific workshops on creative intimacy they would like to see. What emerged between us and was put into words is, to me, pure gold! Here is the first transcribed interview!

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Lonely Screens – Sexual Enhancement via Touchscreen
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Lonely Screens – Sexual Enhancement via Touchscreen

“It’s the usual problem of boundaries. When did you first masturbate? The first successful act of self-stimulation that put an end to frustrated fingering? An attempt at meaningful fingering?” asks the protagonist of the film “Jung & Wild” in her blog of the same name, where she reflects on her erotic endeavors. Yes, how do we actually learn to give pleasure to ourselves and others? Do we follow our intuitions, figure things out on our own through trial and error, or do we seek out helpful tips and tricks? With the advent of so-called sex technologies, new possibilities for enhancing our arousal skills are now available…

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Sexual moralism – Compulsory sex – Sex positivity – Sex negativity
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Sexual moralism – Compulsory sex – Sex positivity – Sex negativity

I’d like to take a stand in defense of sex negativity. Why?
1) For all the wonderful things that the “sex-positive” label makes possible, it also comes with some weaknesses, stumbling blocks, pitfalls, and misunderstandings. These go hand in hand with an uncritical understanding of sex-positivity, when a one-sided diagnosis of the problem is made: that sex is primarily suppressed and tabooed.
2) I would like to propose a very specific understanding of sex-negativity that cannot be confused with either a church-conservative or politically right-wing hostility toward sex.
3) In general, I would like to move away from binary divisions and make it clear that sex negativity and sex positivity do not have to be two opposing forces, but rather could be two progressive strategies—each from opposite directions—pulling together to jointly create a huge…

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Inspiring Restraint – Not Just in Japanese. Cultural-Historical Connections to Bondage
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Inspiring Restraint – Not Just in Japanese. Cultural-Historical Connections to Bondage

“[…] it matters what stories we tell in order to tell other stories; it matters what knots tie knots, what thoughts think thoughts, what ties tie ties.”
– Donna Haraway

Anyone who has developed a taste for bondage and wants to learn more about the techniques, schools, and origins of restraint practices beyond improvised tying with a bathrobe belt will sooner or later come across the Japanese arts of restraint known as Shibari or Kinbaku. One is then immediately reminded of the Hojojutsu practices of the samurai, which date back to the Japanese Middle Ages, when they already overpowered opponents using rope restraints. One learns that Shibari/Kinbaku developed almost organically from Japanese everyday culture, which is entirely geared toward binding, as kimonos and gifts are also tied with a furoshiki. In his highly acclaimed book “The Beauty of Kinbaku,” Master “K” never tires of emphasizing how closely Shibari/Kinbaku is linked to Japanese…

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Clauses. A Self-Reflection
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Clauses. A Self-Reflection

The list of things we want to include as guidelines in our workshop descriptions keeps growing longer and longer with each workshop we hold. For example, at one point it felt sufficient to simply state that “people of all genders and sexual orientations are welcome.” It’s now clear: simply mentioning that isn’t enough, of course. Because a mixed group brings its own explosive potential, and while everyone is welcome, how do we address the specific challenges that arise? Can workshop facilitators talk about vulvas in a way that allows people without anatomical vulvas—but with energetic ones—to receive their vulva massage? Who can do that? How? And how do group leaders navigate this, ensuring a group handles it coolly when, for example, structurally marginalized people (e.g., people with bodies that, across the spectrum of race, gender, age, and disability, present conditions different from what a socially conventional norm dictates) are present—without triggering…

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Beyond 'sex-positive' and 'sex-negative'
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Beyond 'sex-positive' and 'sex-negative'

What are your thoughts on “sex positivity”? Just the term itself, for now!
When I first heard the term, I couldn’t reconcile the fact that such a sensual and dazzling realm was described using such a cold and mathematical expression—one whose sound reminded me of the phrasing of unpleasant medical diagnoses. Or I was reminded of the pejorative accusations of positivism I’m familiar with from scientific contexts, where the blind spots are highlighted that arise when, in exploring a topic, one limits oneself one-dimensionally to the accumulation and piling up of facts, even though there is also an abundance of knowledge that cannot be reduced to facts, that cannot be clearly answered with “yes” or “no.” In these initial associations with “positivity,” the term is not initially judgmental, but merely denotes a factual “something is there,” “something is above zero.” Of course, “sex positivity” does not merely wish to emphasize that there is simply sex…

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Deguiltification – An Experiential Essay by Chris Ifso
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Deguiltification – An Experiential Essay by Chris Ifso

Beata and Matís run luhmen d’arc, a company founded in Berlin that creates “spaces dedicated to the manifold aspects of intimacy and desire.” In September 2019, the duo participated in Schmiede, a 10-day maker festival held at the Old Salt Works in Hallein, Austria, which brought together over 100 artists, musicians, digital creators, and writers—including me. Beata is also an academic; her PhD topic is The Art of Sex Education: Contemporary Aesthetics As Idiosyncratic Interventions in Hegemonic Sexual Discourses. As part of her research, luhmen d’arc was there to interview a range of participants about attitudes toward sexuality. Interviewees were also offered an introductory bodywork session. A mattress sits in one corner of this large barn-like wooden studio, behind a flimsy curtain hung on a rope between pillars. I take off my shoes, lie face down, and close my eyes. Beata and Matís proceed to give me a massage that is by turns tender, arousing, rough, funny, and relaxing. I am fully clothed and they are gentle, but crucially, there is no rule against getting turned on. To prove this, vibrators, rope, and masks are scattered around the space for those who wish to experiment further. I purr, laugh, wriggle, and groan as I’m cradled, gently pummelled, and stroked. I open my eyes; they turn on the tape recorder and ask me what the session brought up for me. There I am, a 63-year-old man, relaxed and glowing, lounging next to a young man and woman I like and trust, with whom there is absolutely no reason to feel inhibited. I am among friendly strangers…

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Forensic Sexualities: Some Thoughts on Shame
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

Forensic Sexualities: Some Thoughts on Shame

Research question: To what extent is sexuality not simply a means of obtaining or increasing pleasure, but rather a catalyst, a medium through which we process something that lies within our bodies? This question came to me after a conversation with friends about shame. The prevailing view is that shame is something bad and must be eliminated so that we can finally be free. Although I don’t think that’s entirely wrong, something inside me resists. It seems too simplistic to me—and if it were that simple, why haven’t we gotten rid of shame long ago? It resists also because I’m afraid of the knee-jerk reaction of simply repressing shame and pretending not to feel it. And as we know, everything that’s repressed eventually comes back, finding its cracks and crevices to crawl back to the surface. It can’t simply be pushed aside; it has to be worked through. On top of that, I fear that people might start feeling ashamed of feeling ashamed, or that it could lead to “shame-shaming.” Last but not least, there’s a whole bunch of very unpleasant people who behave shamelessly, and you’d wish their superego were stronger…

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“Look What Marketing’s Done to My Body” – On the Pressure of (Not-So) Creative Self-Promotion
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

“Look What Marketing’s Done to My Body” – On the Pressure of (Not-So) Creative Self-Promotion

As much as I enjoy designing and leading workshops—and as much as it always feels like meaningful work—it’s inextricably linked to an activity I simply hate: marketing. Begging people—please, please—to recognize the great work I’m doing despite the fierce competition, and to come—not just because it’s a job and I want to make a living from it, but also because it would be so sad if workshops had to be canceled due to low attendance. While I still enjoy writing announcement texts, the horror begins when I realize I’ve been sitting in front of Facebook for hours, hunting down one Conscious and Sensuality group after another like a hunter, and working my butt off to post the event link with an inviting text everywhere where interested people might find it—always with the thought in the back of my mind that some groups have become a limbo for exactly such posts…

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An Eclectic Essay on (In)security (work in progress)
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

An Eclectic Essay on (In)security (work in progress)

risk, safety, conflict, consent—what drives sex-positive communities usually has something to do with these key concepts. It’s complicated. Uncertainty isn’t bad per se, and safety isn’t good per se—and vice versa. From my personal experience, I’ve found spaces that strongly emphasize consent to be both empowering and enriching, as well as restrictive, school-like, or tamed—and thus simply boring—or failing to do justice to situations that are fundamentally ambivalent gray areas. Sometimes these spaces led to frustration when the very people to whom I could fully open up because of their trusting nature would always backtrack on safety just when things got interesting, so as not to cross “my” boundaries…

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On Wellness and Exorcism: An Essay on What Makes a Session Valuable
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

On Wellness and Exorcism: An Essay on What Makes a Session Valuable

It’s always a balancing act: the whole thing with sitting in a circle in workshop settings. It feels unbearably didactic when everyone takes turns, like chickens on a perch, laying an egg and having to say something (side note: and, interestingly, how often people end up talking about their own tiredness or alertness). On the other hand, it’s also wonderfully democratic when everyone is given space to speak and listen, without shyness or self-confidence (or overconfidence) determining who speaks. And then there’s the admittedly always powerful symbolism of the circle, which in séances even makes tables move as if by magic…

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The Ropes That Mean the World. Reflections on the EURIX – Rope Artist International Performances, Spring 2019
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

The Ropes That Mean the World. Reflections on the EURIX – Rope Artist International Performances, Spring 2019

The most recent EURIX—an event dedicated to bondage, shibari, and kinbaku—presented the third edition of the “Rope Artists International Rope Bondage Performance Festival,” which aims to bring the performative aspects of rope bondage to the stage. “For this edition, we paired rope performers with experts in the field of professional performance and invited them to explore the boundary between art and kink,” explains the event description, adding: “Since EURIX focuses on creativity and innovation and brings together the most skilled riggers and models, the performance program showcases not only high-level technical skills but also presents the latest developments in aesthetics and theater…”

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“Always this gross sex.” On reading the reviews of Jan Bonny’s *Wintermärchen*
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

“Always this gross sex.” On reading the reviews of Jan Bonny’s *Wintermärchen*

The arts reviews give the impression that emphasizing one’s own outrage and revulsion is a necessary conclusion that viewers must draw whenever sex and terrorist violence are presented together. And this is despite the fact that, if you look closely, the portrayal of sex in *Wintermärchen* functions differently from the callous, hardcore sex scenes in other neo-Nazi films. In contrast, the explicit scenes in Jan Bonny’s film look surprisingly “normal.” Normal = no steel-hard bodies, the fumbling seems clumsy (“ow!”), there is insecurity, jealousy, envy; it seems bored, then, to spice things up, they…

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A mixed bag, please! Definitional difficulties
Beate Absalon Beate Absalon

A mixed bag, please! Definitional difficulties

Difficulties in understanding. When friends are socializing and recounting their wildest romantic escapades, and then someone casually adds: “…and then we had sex, too.” Yikes! And what about all the other things you did together? It’s actually a classic question: where does sexuality begin, and where does it end? Generally, the term refers exclusively to the act of penetration. This is particularly surprising when the people in the conversation are individuals who otherwise celebrate sexuality in all its diversity and engage in various experiments, techniques, games, and desires that go beyond the heteronormative framework…

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